The ghosts that follow me
Hearing the news about the deposit on their dog had me wishing I had something to look forward to. Something “more” a route to escape my current insecurities in my own relationship. An avenue to take to get away from my doubts and fears and hide in the shadows of something new, a house, a dog, a marriage, a baby. I stop and shake my head - no. I don’t want that, I don’t want to hide from my conflict, I don’t want to run away from self’s clever games and seek security in the things that try to cover our pain, fear and doubts. I want to unmask it, I want to see it in its darkest state. I want to meet it head on, unafraid to see that it is my own creation, the monsters hiding are a fabrication of my own making that in an instant can be dismantled if I pleased.
No, I don’t want a blindfold to temporarily hide the ghosts that haunt my every step. For one day that blindfold will be taken off - what then? I want to see self for what it is, to see the monsters I create and not be afraid because I am the only one able to defeat them. No the true fight isn’t of size, height, strength or stamina. It isn’t a physical test or even a battle, it is the simply the willingness to see.
Do you see what I mean?