It was a hot morning and the wind was filled with the promise of rain. The fields were saturated and small puddles were everywhere. The ground couldn’t hold any more moisture. The leaves on the trees were so green from the many cleansing rains. The birds were feasting on the plentiful bugs coming out of the woods. The whole earth seemed to be in abundance. A large ant hill was a busy construction site as the ants prepared for the coming rain.
He pulled up in a mid-size truck. His walk was strong and his gate quick. He greeted me.
Sorry I’m late. It is nice to see you again.
Nice to see you too. How have you been?
I have been holding my own I guess!
So what is ‘holding your own’?
I’m holding it together I guess. My life is basically a mess. I have blown a relationship with my wife. I tried to control her, as you put it, with my mental illness, which didn’t work. And I lost my job since the last time we met and I stormed out of here. So things have gone from bad to worse, as you said they would. I went to my shrink and he did what you said, almost word for word. He needed to change my medication, adjust it a bit, so they can get it right. I told him what you said about behavior and I was choosing my behavior. He laughed and asked why anyone would choose to depress. So I told him because I can’t get what I want. Then he got pissed at me and said he was the psychiatrist.
Wow. Did you get your anger out on him?
Yes I felt good when I left the office and he was pissed.
Well you got a rise out of him? He bought into your external control. And because he did you felt powerful and it is better than feeling hurt.
Okay, so we are back on that stuff again!
You phoned and asked to see me. I’m not looking for you.
I just had to see you because I felt you really listened, and you didn’t, you know……..
Buy into your controlling me!
Yes. Do you have to be so god damn blunt all the fucking time?
Are you going to spend the rest of the session trying to get a rise out of me?
So what if I am? I pay you. What’s it to you?
It means you are not going to get the help you need. You’re just going to carry on doing what you have always done. So if you want to waste your money that’s up to you! But I decide who I see and who I don’t.
You’re a real prick you know, a self centered arrogant prick! You don’t have any idea of what I am going through. I have lost my wife, my house, my kids, now my job.
So do you want to understand why you lost them? Or do you want to keep blaming a chemical imbalance?
Fuck you! What the fuck do you know anyway!
I see you’re in pain and it hurts and I think your life isn’t over. You can learn and have a better life if you choose to.
I am not choosing this shit in my life.
No you’re choosing how you deal with the shit in your life. I think people can change and make a better choice and have a better life.
Why? What’s the point? Everything is so fucked up anyway.
You’re right it is. So tell me how choosing to be crazy is the best thing you can do.
Because I’m not as miserable as I was.
I agree with that. You’re less miserable but your still miserable. Most people who choose to be crazy are very lonely, dependent people.
I not depending on anyone for my life ever again - they have all let me down.
I sure you think that way! But now what are you dependent on?
Nothing I told you, never again!
Well how about drugs? Are you depending on them? For your life?
You fucking bastard!!! I have mental illness in my family. My uncle, my dad, my cousin - they had a mental illness. So it’s in our family.
That may be true. That is what happens in many families where people can’t get or stay close to the people they want too.
What so they choose to go crazy. ? I think you’re fucking crazy.
I’m sure you do! You have a list of people telling you that you not responsible for - your marriage and loss of job and more importantly, your choice to depress.
Well if my uncle and people in my family were depressed that’s a point for it being genetic. So they got that gene.
Yes that’s a convenient way to think.
Well I’m living in that convenient way to think. And it suits me fine.
That’s great. Then why are you here?
Basically, to straighten you out about my mental illness.
Okay, so if you straighten me out about it, how would that look?
You would show some compassion for me. Instead of being an insensitive asshole!
So let me get this right. You came to see me because someone said I would help you. You came to see me, left angry because I did buy into your diagnosis. Now you are back here telling me you have come back to straighten me out.
Yes, because you are lost and don’t know a thing about depression or mental illness.
So as you are here straightening me out, being angry and chewing me out, how do you feel?
A lot better!
Why do you think that is?
Because you are listening to me and I think I am changing your mind.
I still believe you are choosing your behavior and you’re not changing my mind. As a matter of fact, you are convincing me more that you are healthier than you are letting on.
Why do you say that?
Well when you are focusing your attention on me, you feel better!
Yes but I’m still feeling depressed.
Not when you are angering at me your not.
What kind of counselor says that, “angering”? I’m not fucking angering. I’m angry at you, because you’re such a useless fucking counselor.
Yes and one you can’t control. How many other people in your life do you try to control?
Fuck you! I don’t have to answer your questions!
You’re right, you don’t and that’s your choice.
I’m angry all the fucking time okay? I fucking hate my parents, they’re dead but I hate them, and I hate my boss at work and I hate my fucking wife and my fucking kids for being with my fucking wife, I hate my fucking shrink and fucking hate you too.
Well that’s sad, how do you feel about yourself?
Another fucking dumb question!
Yes I know, I ask a lot of dumb question, but I’m interested! Interested in you and how you feel about you!
Fuck this is a waste of fucking time. You are never going to get my illness, you’re too fucking stupid.
True, but how do you feel about yourself?
You just want me to say I hate myself too, right? That’s what you want me to say.
I want you to tell me the truth, what do you feel about you?
I love myself Doctor fucking Freud, alright?
Great. Tell me the truth then about what you love about yourself. I never met a person I haven’t grown to love that I have worked with. You may be the first but I want to like you.
FUCK OFF! I know exactly what you’re trying to do!
What’s that?
Try to be my fucking friend!
How many friend in your life do you have?
FUCK OFF!
I thought you’d say that!
You a fucking mind reader now?
No I don’t have to be a mind reader to predict what you are going to do. It’s pretty clear!
What’s that?
Well when you leave here you will beat yourself up for not giving your self a chance!
At this point there was a strong stillness in the room and everything seemed to be in a deep silence. Then tears began to flow and the man fell off his chair onto his knees. There was a deep wrenching agony or cry and the words, muffled by tears, cried out, “Sorry sorry sorry, please help me – sorry”. I asked for his permission to touch him. All he could do was nod his head. I slowly rubbed his back until he was able to sit back up in the chair.
I haven’t cried like that in years!
Yes sir. How do you feel?
A lot better, like a load has been lifted.
Yes sir, it has
Can I come again!
Of course
I’m sorry for….
There is no need sir! First we think something, then we believe it to be true. In order to be free of the burden of the past we must let go of the present. Only then in freedom can we perceive the false. We can’t self evaluate sir if we are not willing to let go of our prejudice.
I don’t know what happened but I have opened something.
